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Tourennatrix' journey

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Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Sat Jul 28, 2018 8:21 pm

I started studying paganism right on Summer Solstice, and already another holiday (holy-day) is coming up?! Time flies when your holidays are evenly spaced throughout the year! ;)

While I am faaarrr from figuring out the ins and outs of what I believe in, I am excited to use this upcoming celebration of the season to crack out of my shell and have a mini festival! (Also, helped me finally pick a date for a "housewarming" for my apartment I move into back in April...)

So, my Lammas plans are:
(... going to take place on 7/31 because work schedules are a thing)

I'm going to (try to) have a chill morning, maybe with a nice walk to get me started. Most of the day will be spent tidying my place and preparing food for the evening's festivities, but I'm hoping to allow myself time to do all of this at a leisurely pace!

In the evening, I've invited a number of friends to go swimming at a local reservoir for a while. Afterwards, we'll all head back to my place for food and board games! (I don't know if I'll manage to get any harvest-themed games going, but I'll look into what I have available!) Food will include my first-ever bread making excursion, honey butter, cucumber/ham/cream cheese rolls, and corn on the cob. I also picked up a watermelon and french cantaloupe from the farmer's market today! I don't know that it's very "harvest" theme, but I think I'll either have lemonade (very summery) or apple cider (a little more autumn-harvesty) for drinks.

Looking forward to my first Lammas!
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Sun Aug 05, 2018 12:31 pm

On "Finding my Tribe"

On Thursday, my therapist walked me through a visualization to "find my tribe," or visualize what it would be like to have people who knew what I was going through because they had lived it and come out the other side, and who wanted nothing more than to share their love and support. This type of exercise is difficult for me for two reasons- First, my visualization muscles aren't what they used to be, and second- we are working directly with a part of me that refuses the very notion that this type of support could ever be directed at me (deep trauma stuff here, I'm aware of how dramatic and "pitiful" it sounds, but I promise that's not the aim here).

Last night I attempted this visualization on my own because it seemed like a nice thing to practice, and I actually felt brave enough to try. It was both fascinating and frustrating! The scene (a campfire in a forest in the mountains, my chosen terrain) looked like I was viewing it through tissue paper. I tried to check in with my senses to bring the scene to life a bit more, with little success. But when I tried visualizing the tribe around the campfire, they were all ghostly. Highly transparent in the upper body and face (barely visible at all), but they were rooted to the ground as black stumps in the shadows by the fire. I wasn't able to get to feeling any energies coming from them before I backed off. Not quite sure if it was just the mild frustration of not being able to "visualize properly" or the fear of what I would feel if I prodded further. But more practice will be had in the future :)
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Sat Aug 24, 2019 11:06 pm

On finding a home

The other day I had... A bit of a meltdown. I was already stressed about life stuff, and having a very harrowing time with my roommate's puppy (adorable, but won't stop biting me, and a major source of stress overall in my current living environment). After an extended period of time spent wrestling with the dog when I had only prepared enough energy to refill my water bottle, I was spent. I dashed back upstairs to my bedroom, shut out the outside world, and collapsed in front of my altar.

I didn't really know what I wanted to do there, but I was just drawn to it. Perhaps like a wubby- a security blanket, a source of comfort. I don't have a solid sense of deity, but I felt like I was in one of those "grant me the strength" moments. But I didn't know what to ask for or who to ask. But I looked up at the art I recently put up above the altar, and I sobbed, and eventually I felt... If not great, then at least a little better.

I'm glad that I'm slowly feeling more at home in front of my altar, instead of just feeling goofy for even having one (which definitely also still happens)
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby firebirdflys » Sun Aug 25, 2019 2:07 am

I appreciate you sharing your journey
trauma is a "B" and stress in the household is beyond tiresome.
You sound really strong,
and the altar is a good place to shift ones consciousness
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:30 pm

Thanks firebird! I certainly don't always feel strong, but coming up soon I'm going to need to tap into a lot of reserves that (on some days) I know are there. School starts up tomorrow, and in the next few weeks we're preparing to add a roommate to the house.

Thinking now might be a good time to start practicing shielding >_>
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Sat Sep 14, 2019 11:39 pm

I feel guilty that I have not kept up on my money pot (like a money bowl, but it's a Terra Cotta planter. I liked the image of planting my money and letting it grow)... But I've noticed lately that I've been finding dimes! I've done some digging and it looks like dimes can mean all sorts of things- I'm on the right path, things are coming full circle, etc. But one thing strikes me after a recent talk with my therapist...

We were talking about the role of masculine and feminine energy, and how there are so few workshops and books and what have you for the masculine when compared with the same for the "divine feminine." And I expressed that, growing up in a (post?) feminist culture I have been told so much to embrace the power of my feminine nature, but no one has *told* me what my masculine nature is.

He boiled it down- past any talk of archetypes- that feminine is a circle (connection) and masculine is a line (action). And that these aspects can support each other, or they can *not* support each other, in which case the body usually feels some sort of dissonance.

A dime. A 1 and a 0. A line and a circle. Something seems "right."
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Tue Oct 01, 2019 10:32 pm

This weekend I'm going to a Renaissance festival with some family which is super exciting and I'm totally going to end up spending too much money but that's to be expected.

What I didn't expect was to be nervous about my practice.

For about a year now, I have started my morning by sitting in front of my altar. Some days it's literally just 30 seconds because I woke up late, other days I take my time and contemplate things for a while. I have only missed one day of pulling a rune, Oracle, or tarot card and journaling about it.

I'll be sharing a hotel room with my sister and her husband and maybe the 3 year old nephew. I'm absolutely not concerned about judgement- my sister is the whole reason I know what paganism even is. I'm just concerned about being *seen*. I don't want to feel like I'm being watched while I journal in the morning.

This is definitely tied to my anxiety. I didn't realize how many of us were going to the faire, and while I'm sure we'll have a great time, I know I'm going to get super overstimulated. I'll be craving this alone time, and the closest I'll get is locking myself in the bathroom- which will be zero help if it's one of the ones that has the fan on the same switch as the light.

I might just have to bring my Oracle cards in with my toiletries and journal while everyone else is getting ready.
And hope it's less stressful than my overactive brain is predicting.
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby firebirdflys » Thu Oct 03, 2019 12:39 pm

Maybe you can find a tree or grassy area near the hotel for a moment. It isn't all that strange for folks to write in a journal anymore....and it's really none of their business. Don't go in the bathroom though, there must be an outdoor area you can access, get up a little earlier and you'll be good.
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:22 am

Thanks, I ended up bringing my journal, not my cards, but didn't have really any down time to write. I have a hard time taking "me time" when trying to coordinate the timetables of 5 adults and a 3 year old...

I had a great time though! I think I *almost* found some good candidates for witchy material but had a hard time shopping because again, timetables. If I had been there with just one other person I may have had better luck. Mostly I found really pretty stuff that I would never use, haha! There was an entire shop of staves and broomsticks, and lots of pretty wands.

But! I didn't have any major anxiety spikes (the worst was honestly the car ride because close quarters with a 3 year old) but the festival was great- acrobats, jousts, pirate science, and an owl show put on by a raptor rescue. The crowds didn't bother me so much because it was a wide open space, and we were all nerds there. It was definitely a much needed break from reality!
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Fri Oct 11, 2019 11:47 pm

A rambly observation...

In the act of owning my own spirituality, I am coming to see it in other people... I think. I know that "witchcraft is having a moment" in society, so it's easier to see it out in the wild... But it's striking me a little differently.

An obvious example is that I have passively discovered that a new acquaintance is Wiccan, and my roommate is at least somewhat moved by oracle, faeries, and ritual.

I am attending a workshop called "Reconceiving the Divine Feminine," which I'm enjoying (taking what resonates and leaving what doesn't). One of the leaders announced another workshop he's putting on... There is a festival coming up just after Samhain called "the witching hour." A lot of the panels are readings and creative/critical thinking type things, very artsy. His panel is about "Practical Magic, transforming reality, no supernatural entities required." Color me curious.

If a book mentions magic or witches in the title, it is impossible to tell if it is fiction or nonfiction before picking it up.

At the Renaissance faire this last weekend, I found myself going through shops and wondering at the intention behind some of the wares. How much of it was cheaply made 'toys' versus high quality keepsakes? There was a wagon shaped kiosk with poppets and spell kits and I wondered (in a sort of jaded fashion) if the owner was a practitioner or someone who just liked making souvenirs. There were wands and staves and broomsticks and other such things that had vaguely witchy flavor. There were one or two places that went out of their way to encourage shoppers to be hands on, because people like to feel the energies of the items they're shopping for.

And I guess lastly for now, just in my own expression- I often get frustrated by my "lack of direction in my practice" but then I've started displaying my interests even though I far from fully understanding them. It puts me in the awkward position of having to decide on the spot how and what I want to share which I find both awkward and maybe brave. People have asked me about the Fehu rune I have on a post it note on my desk at work, and the sigil that reminds me to stay delicate but grounded. I've had classmates curious about the runes I mark in pen on my wrist and hands. And I've started accumulating pendants to wear depending on my mood and what I want from the day.

An outward display of my belief in something I don't understand but which resonates with me deeply.
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby SL » Mon Oct 14, 2019 6:57 am

Looks like you're on the right track with your life.

tourennatrix wrote:I often get frustrated by my "lack of direction in my practice"


Yeah me too.

tourennatrix wrote:but then I've started displaying my interests even though I far from fully understanding them. It puts me in the awkward position of having to decide on the spot how and what I want to share which I find both awkward and maybe brave. People have asked me about the Fehu rune I have on a post it note on my desk at work, and the sigil that reminds me to stay delicate but grounded. I've had classmates curious about the runes I mark in pen on my wrist and hands. And I've started accumulating pendants to wear depending on my mood and what I want from the day.

An outward display of my belief in something I don't understand but which resonates with me deeply.


It's nice that as a woman you can wear occult necklaces as a decoration, I'm hiding mines under the shirt mostly.
I'm not sure how to share things outwardly 1. I've got aura of severity, people disapprove in their eyes but don't confront and rather talk thrash behind back 2. wearing something outwardly can be interpreted as me trying to convince others that this be a right attitude towards life.
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Sat Nov 30, 2019 11:24 pm

My practice has really fallen by the wayside in the past two months, which brings me sadness. For the first month, my schedule became "work 48 hours for the price of 8" due to school obligations. I was forced to get up early 6 days a week and couldn't bring myself to get up the little extra bit early to sit for a short meditation, card draw, or journal. The second month it's been too dang cold in the house to do anything but go from blanket directly to layering near the space heater- no where near my altar. And afternoon and evening times have been full of fatigue, homework, and other distractions.

I can feel this disruption in my body and mind. I miss the rush of joy when thinking of how the week's rune might manifest. I miss the routine. Something to ground me amid the chaos of school.

I did take a small amount of time on the new moon to pick out stones to attract love and bolster my confidence a bit to maybe actually do something about it. My husband and I have been divorced for over a year, separated for a year and a half (though still good friends) and *dang it I'm lonely* LOL. Just this act of collecting stones and giving them a purpose helped calm me down quite a bit on the subject. Though now that getting further into school, I'm not so sure dating is a productive use of my time XD (also as an aside, amusingly enough the night of the new moon was ex husband's birthday!)
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby tourennatrix » Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:55 pm

I wrote extensively about this earlier but I think I chickened out and deleted it before I posted it, so my apologies if this is a repeat!

On December 30th, I woke up in pain that I thought was just caused by sleeping oddly. By 10, I knew this pain was something else, but couldn't pinpoint it. By noon, my mom had driven me to the hospital, and by 3 I was in the ER with pancreatitis. They ran tests and did imaging and hooked me up to an IV and gave me *the best pain killers* and admited me to the hospital for 2 days of observation. I didn't really have plans for new year's anyway.

While I was there, I found myself wishing I could have some control over the situation. I wished I had a deity to pray too, or that I could cast a healing spell on myself (before realizing that casting spells *uses* energy that I needed to hold on to) - I was too much in pain and/or drugged up and/or distraught to consider visualization or grounding or anything along those lines. Of all times to feel guilty about something, there I was, wishing I had been focusing more on my practice, and shaming myself over it.

I wanted to ask a friend who is really into stones and crystals to do some energy work for me, but I was too embarrassed to ask in front of my mom. I wanted to have someone bring one of my pagan books to read, but I didn't want to deal with the looks or questions (also I probably couldn't have focused for more than a few minutes at a time anyway but that's beside the point). ((Also, also, regarding my mom, I am a grown-ass-woman who doesn't need to feel like hiding things from Mom!))

I really felt lost. I didn't know what I could do to help myself.

But I *did* help myself. I may have been delirious when I called mom, ( I really just wanted her to make some lunch for me), but what I was doing was bypassing all fear of reaching out for help and calling someone because I needed it, bad.

I'm trying to not get caught up in framing my practice around preventing another such scenario of feeling like it wasn't there for me when I needed it... But slowly but surely it is coming back to me. The Heilung show certainly helped, but other things are cropping up. Talk with my therapist has turned to the solar plexus chakra. I'm trying out acupuncture to help with residual effects of the hospital stay. I've remade a moneypot in preparation for a few low-income months ahead, and already I've seen a dime. I haven't seen random dimes about for months! I took a walk in the snow. My altar has been tidied up. I've started wearing pendants again. Tonight I actually set aside 10 minutes for a meditation that I may be able to bring out into the real world to calm myself.

It isn't as much as I *want* to do, but it's something. I am still limited by other priorities (primarily school), but I am hopeful that the small tokens of interest will carry me through until I am finally able to do more significant work.
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby firebirdflys » Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:06 pm

Hi, glad you are feeling a bit better. :fairy: Did they find out the cause of your Pancreas flair? My old boss has a 26 yr old (at the time) boy, that almost died form that, however he did drink quite a bit of alcohol. That may be the most common cause but there are other serious reasons that should be ruled out.

I can relate in a way about feeling like your practice wasn't there when you needed it. I remember praying and praying to the Gods and Goddesses of my clan but felt abandoned by them. Back in about 1998 I was real depressed, I don't think I got out of bed for about 3 months and I couldn't understand why my Gods or my practice couldn't pull me through. I didn't really take into account the external forces that may have been contributing to this at the time. Felt like I should be able to power through anything...I was >< that close to ending it all and very close to being homeless. My drug addict husband had decided he was never going to work again because he failed a drug test, he got crazy and belligerent (more so than normal). Our daughter was soon to graduate HS and we couldn't provide for her. I had an illness that made me sick all the time so getting a job would have to be one that could tolerate my illness flaring up. I ended up on Lithium for a short time (about 6 weeks) which seemed to kick me back to reality. Slowly my prayers were heard and I started in small steps, like just standing in a circle (I had a stone ring at the other house) and taking several deep breaths, and crying a lot, and grounding. I think that alone may have been the most powerful healing and that was lying prone (face downward) on the ground when I felt overwhelmed. Lighting candles was another thing that helped my practice become more regular.

Thus far I can concur that life is a crazy freaking roller coaster ride
and we are largely alone in our roller coaster car and that in the end, we can only control what is in our car and that means taking care of the self first.
I'm feeling like too much rambling here.
though I'd like to say, taking yourself to that concert was a good move. Huzzah!!!
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Re: Tourennatrix' journey

Postby SL » Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:32 pm

tourennatrix wrote:While I was there, I found myself wishing I could have some control over the situation. I wished I had a deity to pray too, or that I could cast a healing spell on myself (before realizing that casting spells *uses* energy that I needed to hold on to) - I was too much in pain and/or drugged up and/or distraught to consider visualization or grounding or anything along those lines. Of all times to feel guilty about something, there I was, wishing I had been focusing more on my practice, and shaming myself over it.


I observe some periods when the only way to walk through certain pain or disturbing rush of energy flow is really just to wait.
Other option is to have luck on finding a new option, like totally new attitude in your craft in a fashion that hits the spot.

firebirdflys wrote:Slowly my prayers were heard and I started in small steps, like just standing in a circle (I had a stone ring at the other house) and taking several deep breaths, and crying a lot, and grounding. I think that alone may have been the most powerful healing and that was lying prone (face downward) on the ground when I felt overwhelmed. Lighting candles was another thing that helped my practice become more regular.


Standing on good piece of soil in place of rather power than corruption is really strong, you reminded me now how good of an idea it is gonna be for me too.
Looks like you had some seriously tough times so it's impressive. I don't know what will be out of me either. I've got to confess that I don't even mind. Looks like there are some cycles in what I rush through... well writing about it this vaguely ain't telling much now, is it...
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