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Tragedy is eating me

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Tragedy is eating me

Postby firebirdflys » Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:12 pm

I am in a state where I really need to put this somewhere.
I've been super depressed and angry.
hummm, I better back up a bit.

The weekend before Labor Day, husband, daughter and I went with bio family to take my brothers ashes to the sea. We left Marina Del Rey harbor on a lovely old yacht. Just being in Marina Del Rey was evoking all kinds of melancholy. I used to live on the bluff right near there...before all the construction around the Ballona wetlands. It was a magical place to grow up. We used to find fossils in the bluff and played hide n seek in the mustard that grew far above our heads.
Now we were back to commit my brother ashes to the sea, a person I did not know when I lived there in Westchester. Turns out I didn't know bro very well at all and despite finding bio family over 30 years ago, I never really got to be close to him. I grieve for the loss of not only his life but the fact we didn't connect while he was alive. And he lived close... but it might as well have been Timbuctoo. Everything in my mind feels like Timbuctoo, so far and hard to get to, it's just easier to stay put. WHO is that? this was never my M.O.
The boat ride evoked more emotions, to a time when husbands father was alive. Daughter and I reminisced about being on the diving boats with her grandpa, she mostly remembered getting sea sick. I could tell husband was thinking about his dad too. His father had owned 2 SCUBA diving stores and had been a pioneer in the industry.
As brothers ashes were lowered in a basket to the sea, we said our farewells and with a swoosh they went in the water with all the roses and petals. The ash and flowers formed beautiful patterns as they were swept away with the swift current.
It was different with my father-in-law, the water was calm and his cremains were dumped from a box at a little harbor near San Miguel Island, the ash sparkled like little diamonds as they slowly faded into the deep blue depths.
The boat we had took to commit his ashes to the sea was The Conception.
Father-in-law knew the original owner of the Truth Aquatics very well and they made this trip for free, seeing it to be an honor to take this mans ashes to sea, after all he had brought literally hundreds of divers to this fleet for underwater excursions since Truth Aquatics started in 1974.
fast forward to the next weekend...
When I got up Labor Day and husband said The Conception was on fire I didn't believe him. He left for his mom's and I turned on the TV.
News flash, it was The Conception. I sank in my chair and began to cry. By the time I was seeing this it had been burning for about 4 hours. Knowing the layout of the bunkroom and location of the galley I feared for all the people there. Well, and now we know the unbearable outcome.
The thing that has me furious with rage is the insensitive remarks people have posted on the Truth Aquatics facebook and in other places. Like, "why didn't the crew save the people?", or "they only saved themselves and screw the others? " "Why did they call them DOB in the mayday call?" (because that is freaking short for "divers on board" one doesn't have time to use lots of words in an emergency situation.) and bla bla bla the hate speak goes on and on and on and on... I cannot believe the lack of compassion people have for the owners of Truth Aquatics. DO they not realize these people were their friends and diving family too??? Divers and the owners of the boats they use become a pseudo family and everyone knows everyone else (mostly). This fleet is about the most professional friendly group of folks I had ever met. They have a stellar reputation and some You Tuber is saying they were negligent for using a salvage boat. The Conception was run aground once when someone stole it, but it was repaired. This You Tuber is suggesting the owner is a fake and that he doesn't exist. Well...he doesn't really, when the new owner took the reins the old owner wasn't in the picture much, who had suffered "the bends" and has mostly been in a wheelchair for over 30 years.
I worried for this business, this is the kind of event that closes you down mainly through lawsuits, so when the owners evoked a pre civil war protection for maritime disasters, More Insensitive remarks. My freaking god...this was and accident. The owners are just as devastated as those who lost loved ones, THEY lost loved ones too, but should they potentially loose their home over this? NO way.

Well here's where it gets messed up in my mind. One person missing still. What if some terrorist sparked the blaze? he jumps off, swims to a nearby boat and makes a getaway. Great,... I hate it that my brain even went there.

What is becoming of the world today? Where we have to live in fear of terror and the screwed up remarks of people who weren't there and have no Idea what they are talking about. I really hope none of the surviving crew reads any of those comments because they have a whole hell of a lot of healing to do themselves,
survivors remorse is a real thing.

And I now grieve the loss of Father-in-aw all over again, the years he spent teaching others to dive and his love of the ocean and the people who ran those dive boats, but mostly I can feel the terror of the people who were trapped and the moments of panic that must have ensued. It's waking me up at night,
I remember sleeping in those bunks.
It is was a beautiful boat, like a mini cruise ship, best food ever and an upper deck for laying in the sun. All the bells and whistles that a diver would need and now 33/34 beautiful people have perished on this lovely vessel, it's hurting my heart.

It's been a hard couple weeks for this empath, I'm temped to log on and tell that You Tuber how f-ed up he is but there I would be right in the fray with the other haters, ...or do I have a point, crap.

I'm having a terrible time breaking out of this depression, I've tried spells, I've lit candles, I'm just so distraught for the lives lost on this boat, my brother who I'll never know, (don't even get me started on the trashed Bahamas) and my cat who's longevity is day by day, but she is actually doing sort of ok recently. When will the light of life be pretty again?

I haven't had the gumption to post anything here, hope everyone is doing well.

bb, Firebird
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby SpiritTalker » Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:13 pm

Ever since you'd posted a note about the Conception I've been following the story on YouTube. The comments & rumors & the raw, public group mind can be viscous. I've viewed various channels & "hit job" & terrorist are suggested more than once as well as informed views given of how such a freakish accident can occur. Much sorrow is also conveyed by people completely unaquainted with anyone involved. The conflicting opinions are just opinions. We have to wait for the facts.

I've thought often of you FBF, knowing you were familiar with the people involved.
My 18 year old kitty has stopped eating - no matter what I offer her. I feel for your Pumpkin.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby SnowCat » Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:02 pm

My husband gets most of his news from YouTube. I've corrected his mistaken impressions a few times.
Accidents happen. The Conception would not have been in service, had it not been seaworthy. I think the owners were correct in evoking the protection that they did. We have very little control of maritime incidents. We should be well aware of that after The Titanic, and then Pearl Harbor. I'm sure the crew followed their training. Poop happens. Let's just find someone to blame every time something goes wrong.

Keeping the kitties and the kitty moms in my prayers.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby barker » Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:42 pm

I didn't read your post in its entirety but i can share that tragedy is fortune... in the literal sense that it cannot just happen. It takes love and power and will, etc.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby firebirdflys » Tue Sep 10, 2019 8:44 am

Barker :evil: that makes no sense whatsoever and I'm not sure I appreciate the comment at all
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby Mr Crowley » Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:28 am

"I didn't read your post in its entirety"
So why comment on something of which you didn't read? Makes no sense at all!

"Barker that makes no sense whatsoever and I'm not sure I appreciate the comment at all"
It is the coldest, most calloused, self-serving, non-caring comment that I have ever seen left to stand on a ETUM post. Is ETUM that desperate for posting members?

Firebirdflies: I read the entire post. My condolences for your anquish/pain.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby barker » Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:53 pm

Psychic. I have been on the tragedy page for donkey's years. It is possible to be detached and circumspect about it instead of an emotional wreckage. Was only trying to empathise, no harm intended.

I suppose one of my key lessons in my own lifetime is neutrality is wise beyond trauma. If you can ever access this inner space you are called Enlightened, in some parts of the world.

Apologies if I ticked the wrong box, by entering my own intellect and not entirely yours.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby barker » Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:55 pm

Osho said, "misery is choice," "agony is a blackboard" - this is the stuff I do mean.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby Mr Crowley » Tue Sep 10, 2019 8:06 pm

"this is the stuff I do mean"
So you didn't mean what you said before?

If you want to shift the smoke screen to intellect, you didn't explain why you chose to post at a thread of which you did not read. It makes no sense because you don't have any keystone clues.

When you went to school, didn't you take the TIMED test that started with instructions to read all of the questions before answering them? When you read the last sentance, it tells you to put your name/date on the paper, and you're finished. People of high intellect can sense bait-and-switch by applying logic to the situation. Skim the multi pages, and read the last sentance.

Intellect is a universal standard measure, not an opinion; for instance, know better than to step in front of a moving vehicle. One foot is 12 inches, basic intellect. Someone stepping up and saying that the distance of one foot is merely my opinion, that isn't a display of intellect.

I cannot speak for fb, but I have limited intellect. Using my limited intellect, I would factor in that a person who is in such an emotional state might not be able to absorb at such a high intellectual level. With your superior intellect, please explain the faulty logic that plauges me.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby barker » Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:19 am

Yes I am perfectly psychic and intellectually able. All that I was supposing that despair (all I knew from top) can be a devestating feedback loop while choosing a +ve or at least neutral mindset, is a prime silver bullet. Permanently, I mean.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby barker » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:01 am

Is there anything more to a happy soul than clearing the mind, expressing the heart, cleaning the body? Only what you choose. A good choice is one you know that you will love. Nothing more, nothing less. To get out of any circumstance that presumes itself unloveable is, of course, a birthright.

Disaster and failure - to win friends, to achieve goals, to work and succeed, to make sense and know why - is only the question asking itself, what about me is more beautiful than this? The answer can be "nothing," in the sense that equanimity is a virtue. "Nothing" is better than "wrong."

The seeds of destruction wait with glee, deserving nothing but pain. It takes a while or it takes a moment. Choices...

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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby SL » Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:53 am

People.
(youtubers, whatever, people)
Always living down to my expectations.

Hence just as I once wrote you in pm, FireBird, I partially envy spirits that get their licence to depart and so my condolences can only be half-sincere. Sincerely though I'm sorry for a witch to find herself in much pain, that makes me sad.

I totally hate those falling for the "blame game" that want to hurt the owners of the ship.


barker wrote:I didn't read your post in its entirety but i can share that tragedy is fortune... in the literal sense that it cannot just happen. It takes love and power and will, etc.


I learned through some psychology that when woman is expressing her pain she doesn't want any advice, but rather somebody to comfort her, so if you happen to give advises in such situation it is going to get fully rejected by her (sub)consciousness.

barker wrote:Is there anything more to a happy soul than clearing the mind, expressing the heart, cleaning the body?


To be honest I appreciate life for what it is: sadness, anger, pain everything makes it complete.


***

At Beltane time 2017 I went at grandmother's place.

One day I felt some wild black force flying into the village. My thoughts were "Death perhaps? That's weird, I'm pretty sure nobody in family is going to die at this time." Next day neighbor in closest proximity got fatally injured.

I do wonder if the event was a neutral, lawful cause ... or some spirits hostile to humanity. In second cause I'd definitely search for countermeasures, but I rather feel it was the law and wouldn't want to play God's role in this.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby barker » Wed Sep 11, 2019 11:13 am

SL wrote:I learned through some psychology that when woman is expressing her pain she doesn't want any advice, but rather somebody to comfort her, so if you happen to give advises in such situation it is going to get fully rejected by her (sub)consciousness.

I never bought the whole "a reasonable man knows it, and his woman accordingly likes it" thing. Just a bias based on my own androgyne perhaps. I think the whole truth is closer to "independence is the seed of god in all." Just me.
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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby Mr Crowley » Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:42 pm

Wow! Just wow!

"I partially envy spirits that get their license to depart." Trapped beneath deck, roasted alive. Imagine that! If you envy that, be careful what you wish for!

"when woman is expressing her"
Coming from a straight white man whom dislikes feminazis, that comment is as sexist as it gets!

Two peas in a pod that are disconnected from the rest of the world. No need to waste more time trying to connect with such disconnect.

Firebirdflies, these are textbook examples of what you mentioned.

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Re: Tragedy is eating me

Postby SL » Wed Sep 11, 2019 3:39 pm

Barker, once mentioned it is quite easy to spot. Notice that FBF did not ask for any advice, just shared her emotions.
Other women comfort each other, but men in that situation fire some sort of logical advice. I only abide to this after seeing it 20 times in a row. Thing being this way man and woman don't connect, each separately one in world of emotions, other in world of logic. It is not about being woman-pleaser, it is about breaking the behavioral patterns that don't work.

Mr Crowley wrote:Two peas in a pod that are disconnected from the rest of the world. No need to waste more time trying to connect with such disconnect.


Bashing forum for being desperate and two people that have courage to post an opinion outside the people pleasing.
Offending all sides that you possibly could. this is how I always imagined an A. Crowley's descendant.
Congratulations.

Mr Crowley wrote: "I partially envy spirits that get their license to depart." Trapped beneath deck, roasted alive. Imagine that! If you envy that, be careful what you wish for!


You're right that this is something that might go wrong. ... oh sorry, you were writing about painful death. I would pay the price if it could get me the licence. It would be like looking the grossness of this world in the eye for one last time. Not going to happen for whenever I ask my guarding spirits they get upset. I said partially because life is also a mystery to unfold. Just my emotional state.

Re sexism: It is just about being aware of the polarity dynamics. People being all politically correct and people pleasing are only ever co-creating a society of fake make-beliefs that this world already is way more than healthy.
Tolerance is not about denying the differences.
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