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The Dark Side of your Sign

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The Dark Side of your Sign

Postby Eretik » Mon Dec 03, 2007 5:03 am

This is for fun.It's the dark side of your sun sign.

http://www.psychics.co.uk/starsign/star ... -dark.html

Here's mine: AQUARIUS

The Star Sign Aquarius character: If you thought that Aquarians are kind, eccentric, humanitarians then you're wrong. Beneath their 'good humour' lurks an secret ambition to be famous and they'll betray anyone to get to the top. They love to hog the limelight. They are 'independent individuals', which is their excuse to be completely unattached emotionally. Their's is the only dry eye in the house when you go together to watch a sad or romantic movie. They are useless at most jobs unless it is part time or has celebrity status.

The Star Sign Aquarian Lover: Expect problems. One minute they'll love you then the next they'll hate you. They hate domineering lovers who restrict their freedom almost as much as they despise the emotional weakling who is emotionally dependent on them.

The Star Sign year ahead: You may have trouble with Uranus. You'll be itching to try new things as this planet of the unpredictable releases its energies this year.

Famous names: Dame Edna Everage, Coco the clown, Germaine Greer, Ronald Regan.

Dame Edna Everage is an Aquarian- one more reason to avoid them at all costs

January 21 - February 18

Ruler: Uranus, the planet of the criminally insane.

Keynotes: The ruthless eccentric in search of fame.

Lucky material: Paper tissue

Lucky day: Saturday

Herbs and plants: Pansy, Moss and Gladiola.

I resemble that remark.lol.
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Postby Sobek » Mon Dec 03, 2007 5:37 am


Star Sign Libra

The Libra character: Libra has the symbol of the scales because this is the sign of the unbalanced individual. Things can never be perfect for as soon as the scales are even something comes along to upset the balance once again. To compensate for this insecurity Libran's are obsessed with the desire to be loved, admired and wanted. They are empty vessels in need of continual emotional replenishment. Their superficial easy going manner betrays a lack of strength and a deep set vanity. They also love to spend money. They are generally unemployable.

The Libra Lover: Librans are so fickle about the right perfume or after shave to wear, the right night clothes to put on and spend so long arranging the cushions just so that you'll be fast asleep before you can ever make love.to them. They are so vain that they believe that they have no faults.

The year ahead: With erratic Uranus influencing you throughout the year you're likely to be even more indecisive than usual. Do not trust yourself or you will be let down.

Famous names: Aleister Crowley, Margaret Thatcher, Duchess of York

Say 'Libra' and most people think of Aleister Crowley

Ruler: Venus, the planet of sex.

Keynotes: The sycophantic, spend thrift in search of security.

Lucky material: Cursed Opal, Jet and Sapphire.

Lucky day: Friday

Herbs and plants: Narcissus, poison ivy and Hemp.
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Postby Mycroft » Mon Dec 03, 2007 7:53 am

The Pisces character: Irrational Pisces are as slippery as the fish that symbolizes their sign. They use double-speak and never give a straight answer even if they could. They are sly and non-committal. This bewildering vagueness can trick people to comply with their wishes just as fish get tricked into the fisherman's nets. Never trust them, they will fain innocence in order to get help from others. They are habitually lazy and manipulative. A Piscean will work you to the bone. They are best suited to careers where the work can be delegated ideally as 'the inspector of finished works'.

The Pisces Lover: Most people find their constant need for emotional reassurance irritating. Pisceans hunger for love hoping that it may offer and escape from their futile lives. They will cling to you like a fish on a hook.

The year ahead: With two eclipses falling in your sign this is an important year for you. Make sure that you put extra effort into getting people to work harder for you. Get a Capricorn to run your errands.

Famous names: None.

Pisces: faceless nobodies

Ruler: Neptune, the planet of addiction.

Keynotes: Bewildered but slippery deceiver.

Lucky material: Moonstone, aquamarine.

Lucky day: Thursday

Herbs and plants: Poppy, asparagus and billerries.

I resent that. I know at least 10 famous pisceans lol. But some parts are true *whistles innocently*
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Postby Kolohe » Mon Dec 03, 2007 8:26 am

Yes, that is my dark side, except I can not get organized, I think I should be and bothers me terribly when I'm not, but can't quite pull my stuff together- darn rising Pisces!

The Virgo character: They have a wonderful sarcastic sense of humour that can cut to the bone. They love to point out mistakes and failings and thrill at the sense of superiority this gives them. They are hypercritical, wry and fussy. Many Virgoans are very lonely people. However their cold, cynical nature and lack of warmth is more than compensated for by their ability to organise. Most people find this pedantic attention to detail a little strange even disturbing. It is! Virgoans are uninspired artists but make great censors, clerks, cleaners and train spotters.

The Virgo Lover: It's best not to fall in love with a Virgo unless you are also a Virgo. Together you'd make a great team and do all those boring things that no one else would dream of doing. Train spotting, stamp collecting and sex are the right order of things.

The year ahead: Jupiter in the relationship area of your chart makes this year a year of romance and good luck. However, some Virgos will discover that their mother got their birth date wrong. You may not be a Virgo after all and will miss out on all the good luck.

Famous names: Kate Adie, Lenny Henry.

Post a comment about this article

Virgo humour can be worrying to most people

Ruler: Mercury, the planet of gossip.

Keynotes: The hypercritical censor who is obsessively house-proud.

Lucky material: Nothing is good enough.

Lucky day: Tuesday

Herbs and plants: Carrots, Hemp and Maidenhair Fern.
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Postby lucy_san_elfenlied » Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:03 am

The Gemini character: Gemini will always get what they want because they are masters of deceit and flattery. They love being unfaithful and are always deliberately late for a date but expects you to be punctual. They turn being selfish into an art form and will make you spend all your money so they can save their own. Sometimes they can be good listeners but only because they want to hear every juicy bit of gossip that may prove useful to their schemes. Should not join the police force but make excellent actresses, salespeople, and pizza delivery boys.

The Gemini Lover: Gemini are so obsessed by their own good looks that they'll appear to not even notice you. And make sure you take your purse when you go out on that special date for it's certain that you'll be the one to foot the bill.

The year ahead: To get on in your career you must delegate responsibility. Give the dull jobs to a Taurus and seduce a vulnerable Cancerian. Put yourself first this year.

Famous names: Joan Collins, Attila the Hun, Nero.

Attila the Hun: Gemini just loves causing conflict.

Ruler: Mercury, the planet of gossip.

Keynotes: Schizophrenic liar who loves to shop with your money.

Lucky material: Agate, Beryl and polystyrene.

Lucky day: Wednesday

Herbs and plants: Liquorice, Cannabis and Mushroom.

::darkmood:: I'm so mean...
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Postby Natresse » Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:36 am

How horrible am i that I have so far identified with every dark side in some way?

But techinally i'm the virgo one. This reminds me of a book i own (and cannot find atm..sure i'm organized). Something like b astard signs...hilarious dark side of the zodiac kinda stuff. i'll try to look it up.

Postby Natresse » Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:38 am

Here we go

http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Bastard- ... 0312284861

i'll see if i can find online exerpts...

Okay, these are quite harsh, they're meant to be, and meant to be funny. These are just condensed exerpts from the book on each sign, the book has a few pages for each. I've read it many times and it makes me roll each time. Also, i believe this is mostly aimed at men..but honestly it can work for us women too.

Aries: Boy does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful.
Leo: A complete bloody nightmare
Sagitarrius: Past philosphers used a comforting tool: 'I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius'.
Taurus: A typically stubborn Taurean male always knows better than a female. Even when he doesn't.
Virgo: If you're looking for a man that no other woman will ever want to steal, you've finally found him.
Capricorn: The heart of a loan shark, the humour of an undertaker and the sensitivity of a tax auditor.
Gemini: Gemini b*astards are completely and utterly mad.
Libra: Life is getting more complex. The half-flush or the full-flush? The stress is unbelievable.
Aquarius: He seems like any normal bloke. Don't be fooled, the Aquarius is about as 'normal' as a pig with wings.
Cancer: Used to sneak his mother's Barbara Cartland novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler.
Scorpio: A sneaky, nasty, controlling b*stard, a master manipulator and a world-class pervert.
Pisces: Quite simply Pisces is a pathological liar.

English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if he gave them a good shag. If the b*stard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle a deux and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, he's almost certainly gay and he's definitely not Aries.

His entrance will always be preceded with a drum roll. If you miss his entrance you'll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can't miss him there - not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him pointing him out. You might also notice The Hand Of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: women of the world, my gift to you. Regards, God. Do the deed on the third date. You'll need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again and sex will shut him up nicely.

Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why when people say Sagittarius is a lucky b*stard, they're dead right. the fact you haven't murdered him yet is a miracle. Blessed with the smarts of a particularly backward brontosaurus and the sort of sexual appetite that even Caligula would deem excessive, the Sagittarian b*stard is compatible with very few women. Not because he's fussy - he's not. It's just that most women prefer a man who thinks with his brain.

As the zodiac's number one control freak, Taurus knows what's good for you. Even though he patently isn't. Paradoxically, when he's not running - and therefore ruining - your life, the Taurean b*stard is busy being chronically lazy. His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your 'sex-life' with him. If you find yourself with a Taurus our only advice here is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. That means he'll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by rushing round trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what Interpol has been trying to discover for years and date a Virgo b*stard. If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don't want to believe the truth, pick up any detective novel that features an ice-pick-wielding nutter and then try telling us he doesn't remind you of someone you know and it's all just a bunch of coincidences. If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on Crimewatch the night before and faintly remember words like 'bludgeoned', 'manhunt' and 'Virgo'.

Capricorn takes everything seriously. He is hard-working and ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with the concept and implementation of commitment. He'll even be faithful to you - although this can't be guaranteed as he is a man. But there is a catch. Before whisking you off into the sunset, he has to check your credit rating. And no, he's not joking. He never jokes about money, or anything else come to think of it.

A Gemini b*stard has many demons - a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a b*stard in his own right. Because Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won't mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn't mean much today either. You could see this as a natural result of him having to deal with his conflicting personalities. Or you could see this as a result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying b*stard.

Charmingly boyish, well-dressed - with the nicely blow-dried hair and a vacant look on his face. Not much more than a large Ken doll with movable limbs, he's only appealing to women still under the age of eight. Anyone older will see that he is plastic and empty, with a preference for unrealistically proportioned women. Because he is completely shallow, he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a commitment. The Libra b*stard will never make either.

Aquarius is the most reasonable b*stard you'll ever encounter. In his mind every viewpoint gets a hearing, every belief system has some legitimacy. This, in turn, could lead you to think he is actually more morally superior and ethically sound than the rest of his male peers. Don't be fooled. It makes him different from the other eleven b*stards, not better. Look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there'll be at least one half-drowned Aquarius on board. Find him attractive and he'll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore him and he'll be all over you.

Any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mummy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky laced with her own spit. When he's thirty-eight. However we're not talking about a grown man here, are we? We're talking about Cancer. It doesn't actually matter whether you are compatible with a Cancer b*stard. Getting on with him isn't half as important as getting on with the woman who reared him. After all, she's the one responsible for making him the fine figure of a man that he is definitely not today.

Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio b*stard is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy. He'll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won't cross your mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honour and your sister just hours before he marries you.


Because he's at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the astrological 'rubbish tip'. What this means is he has a little bit of all b*stards in him, which therefore makes him a b*stard twelve times over. This in turn means he's obliged to tell massive fibs so you won't find out the awful truth. Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you'll spot the yawning chasm between fact and ficton and faster you can drop him. Because to be honest, once the thrill of catching him out wears off, you'll begin to resent being a full-time lie0detector on legs.

Sorry if i'm hijacking - i couldn't help sharing what this reminded me of. :P

Postby @ngel » Mon Dec 03, 2007 6:48 pm

Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio b*stard is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy. He'll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won't cross your mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honour and your sister just hours before he marries you.

so true it hurts :D

well here's mine
A sneaky, nasty, controlling b*stard, a master manipulator and a world-class pervert.

i just dissagree with the world class pervert remark

The Scorpio character: The Scorpio will stop at nothing to fulfil their desires. They are power-hungry, domineering and ruthless. But apart from these good qualities the Scorpio can also be very jealous. If you are proud of an accomplishment they will take great pleasure in demoralising you and will undermine your success. Obsession with sex is of course their greatest interest. It's easy to fall in love with them but, like a praying mantis, they will destroy you when it's all over. Scorpios are hopeless as care assistants but they are excellent prostitutes, inquisitors and interrogators.

The Scorpio Lover: The Scorpio lover is greedy and intense and takes no interest in his partner's satisfaction. They are completely amoral and display no tenderness or affection. They will sleep with anybody.

The year ahead: Jupiter in your sign indicates that you can take advantage of someone else's good luck. Grab what you can while you can

Ruler: Pluto, the planet of cartoon characters.

Keynotes: This secretive and ruthless person is sex obsessed.

Lucky material: Razor sharp steel.

Lucky day: Tuesday

Herbs and plants: Cactus, bramble and seaweed.


Postby Sobek » Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:32 pm

Good on Natress, thats hilarious.
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Postby brokenxdreams » Thu Dec 06, 2007 8:39 pm

Aquarius here. It scared me as to how close it was..
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Postby jcrowfoot » Fri Dec 07, 2007 12:09 am

Ditto aquarius... though I'm technically on the cusp... and I'm the biggest aquari-ces that I've ever seen... expecially considering these... ack.
I'm too social to go into hiding out of embarasment however.

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Postby JBRaven » Sun Dec 09, 2007 6:57 pm


The Sagittarius character: The Sagittarian want to be liked by everyone and will promise you the moon in order to get their own way. But they usually change their minds later and don't keep their many promises. 'Always put off till tomorrow what could be done today' is their motto. Sagittarians are always late. They take tremendous financial risks and are hated by bank managers. They are allergic to housework, they are also tactless and impulsive and can be a complete embarrassment at parties. Sagittarius are dreadful investment managers but make good bankrupts and trapeze artists.

The Sagittarius Lover: Sagittarians love the pursuit of love more than the act. The are incorrigible flirts and impulsively fall in love. They have an exaggerated self image foolishly believing that everyone finds them attractive.

The year ahead: With Pluto travelling through your sign it will no longer feel that it's a dog's life. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, and party.

Famous names: Mickey Mouse (Walt Disney).
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Postby [AmberRose13] » Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:20 pm

[quote="Natresse"]Here we go

http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Bastard- ... 0312284861

i'll see if i can find online exerpts...

Okay, these are quite harsh, they're meant to be, and meant to be funny. These are just condensed exerpts from the book on each sign, the book has a few pages for each. I've read it many times and it makes me roll each time

this is one of my favorite books. My absolute favorite one is "Darkside Zodiac" by Stella Hyde.

"Sometimes the measure of friendship isn't your ability to not harm but your capacity to forgive the things done to you and ask forgiveness for your own mistakes."
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Postby hedge* » Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:56 am

Ha ha ha - I've only just seen this post.
I must've been too busy collecting stamps and train spotting.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby being-singular-plural » Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:37 am

This is from AstrologyWeekly which has a plethora of information. I am a wee bit critical of some of the shots these people take at the signs since they take one aspect and often blow it out of proportion--but hey. . .that's what comedy often does! Enjoy (there is SOME truth to these):

Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses.

You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God.

Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius.

You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans

You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.

You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo.

You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all.

You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it.

Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip.

Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ass. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns

The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians.

Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

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