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Smogie's Ramblings

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Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Tue Dec 22, 2015 3:41 pm

My Intro

I don't know if I have a specific "point" or "goal" for this blog of sorts, but at the very least I will have somewhere to spew my thoughts.

I love writing. I love learning. I love (and hate...) the never ending struggle I face when trying to get my life in order. I love the ups and downs of my spirituality.
I guess I just love the fact that I am growing.

I have grown more in the past four months than I have in the past four years of my life. In the past four years, I have went from on relationship to the next (thankfully finding the love of my life in that process), fallen in and out of love with my faith time and time again, lost relationships I never thought would go away, battled between loving and hating my dad, stopped taking my antidepressants and going to therapy, and let myself get into so much dept that I wasn't sure I would ever get out of it.

Then I found out we had to move.

Then I lost my mind.

I hit rock bottom...

...But you know what? Rock bottom was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You see, for the first time in months, I started praying again. I began my medication again. I started actively looking for things to be thankful for. I started thinking clearly.
It took me about a month and a half to realize that I put myself in the situation I was in, emotionally and finacially. That realization in itself was exhausting. It took me another month of so to realize another thing; I have the power to fix it. That, my friends, was liberating.

I'm working on my finances, but most importantly, I am working on myself. I am working on being happy and healthy in mind and spirit. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with the God and Goddess. I am working on honoring the sun and the moon the way the deserve to be honored.

So here is where I will document my journey. Stop by, have a read, comment if you would like. You are always welcome.

Blessings,
Smogie
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Wed Dec 23, 2015 1:04 pm

The funny way things happen...

I feel like writing in blue today. I guess I am feeling a little blue...

A little over a year ago, my pup, Jenny, had a severe uterine infection that almost killed her. I was never fully informed on how important spaying and neutering you pet is, so when it dawned on me that all of that suffering she went through could have been completely avoided, I swore to get my other dog, Phira, spayed as soon as we possibly could.

So, two weeks ago, we got her fixed. We had just moved in with my in laws, so saving the money that we would have spend on rent allowed us to pay for her surgery. For that, I was grateful... We would never have to worry about her going through what Jenny went through. However, there were many cyst like bumps all over her ovaries, so I sent them off to be biopsied- we just wanted to make sure it wasn't cancer, though we were nearly certain that it was just cysts.

As fate would have it... It was cancer. A very aggressive form of cancer... one that we knew very little about.

I have just spent the better half of the morning bawling my eyes out and cursing what happened. This pup is the sweetest little wierdo I have ever known... honestly, she is one of the best dogs I have ever known. And the idea that she could soon be suffering makes me so sick I can't see straight.
So I cried.
I laid on my bed with her in my arms and cried.
I screamed.
I prayed.
I prayed that the Gods would take this away from her now, that I couldn't bare the thought of her suffering or of us losing her.

I fell asleep like that, eyes swollen and nose stuffy, holding my 120 lb lap dog close to me... but I woke up very suddenly, wide awake.

It dawned on me that we had this surgery done because we wanted to keep her healthy, but without it we would have never known that she was already sick. That in itself could be a blessing to us.
Now, we can become informed and tackle this in the best way possible.
We can do xrays and see if it has spread and if so, can we remove it via surgery?
We can see if chemo is a viable option for her (my vet seems to think it is worth meeting with an oncologist) and if it is, we now live with our in laws so we can actually afford her medical bills.
If there is nothing we can do, then we now know about it so we can at least keep her happy and healthy and comfortable for as long as possible.

It is weird how things work out. This isn't how I wanted things to turn out... but it is what it is. I'm choosing to accept this as a sign from the universe that we are definately where we need to be- even if it means living with my in laws. Now, we can save the money to take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of. I'm hopeful that she can make it through this and continue to be her weird, quirky self.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still devistated... this is terrible.
But at least we can move forward.

If you gave this a read, please spare a thought for my baby tonight. She's amazing. I just want her to be okay.


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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby Becks » Wed Dec 23, 2015 2:12 pm

It's so true you know, what a good way of looking at it. No matter what happens you are in a better position to keep her comfortable and do the best you can...versus not knowing. Still, this is so tough and my thoughts are with you.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby SnowCat » Wed Dec 23, 2015 8:12 pm

Ovarian cancer kills too many women, because it doesn't really have warning signs. I expect it's that way for dogs too. You've been given a chance to fight it. I wish the best for you and your entire family.

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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Wed Dec 23, 2015 9:31 pm

SnowCat wrote:Ovarian cancer kills too many women, because it doesn't really have warning signs. I expect it's that way for dogs too. You've been given a chance to fight it. I wish the best for you and your entire family.

Snow



I was just talking to my vet about that. She has had no symptoms.
I truly believe the gods have lead me to this point in my life so that I could better take care of myself and my fur babies. If it weren't for my new living situation, I wouldn't be able to fight with her.
Right now, she is snoozing on top of my pillow with a stuffed animal in her mouth. She is happy and loved.

Thank you both so much for you kind words. You all have been an incredible help to me over the past few days, words simply cannot express my gratitude.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Fri Dec 25, 2015 8:25 pm

So this is Christmas

My head is absolutely pounding. I'm home alone on Christmas-not that I am mad that everyone left me here, I didn't feel like going out. I'm just in a foul mood and needed space from the in-laws. It happens, I guess.

Last night, I ate something at my fiance's holiday party that didn't agree with me. I think it was the mashed potatoes.. I haven't had any animal products aside from eggs and cheese in over five years... I'm starting to think that they put chicken stock in them... Anyways, whatever I ate wasn't my friend. I was feeling like hell by the time I got home. While I was getting dressed for bed, I had a feeling I was going to be sick and tried to dash to the bathroom. I didn't make it... I got sick all over my book of shadows... :annoyed:
So, that happened...

Now I'm shopping through amazon, looking for large sketch books to serve as my new book of shadows, but I'm not seeing anything I like.
I'm frustrated. My head hurts. I am worried about my dog. I am ma at my dad. My stomach is still bothering me. My mother in law is mad that I fell asleep and no one woke me up to go to their Christmas party.

I am trying my hardest to be grateful that I have a wonderful family and that I was lucky enough to celebrate Christmas with my mom and brothers, but I guess my mind just wants to be pissy right now. I am grateful, I honestly am. But I think the past few days are just weighing on me and I'm incredibly bummed about my Book of Shadows.

I guess I'll just give myself a few days to let my brain reset.

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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby SnowCat » Fri Dec 25, 2015 9:20 pm

I hate those unsuccessful trips to the bathroom. Sometimes it's overwhelmingly difficult to be grateful for what we have, because we just plain feel like s---. Keep yourself hydrated. That will help flush the nasties out of your system. And go ahead and be so crabby, that you could be on the menu at a seafood restaurant. Sometimes you need that.

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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Fri Dec 25, 2015 10:05 pm

I decided I'm going to embrace my cat's attitude; be lazy on the bed and glare at those who disturb my slumber.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby SnowCat » Sat Dec 26, 2015 8:08 am

Excellent plan!

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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Sun Dec 27, 2015 2:30 pm

A letter to my dog

Last night I preformed a small ritual for my dog in efforts to communicate with her what was going on with her. Part of the ritual was me writing a letter to my pup and wrapping it with herbs and setting it on fire to let it burn.
This is my letter to her

My Sweet Saphira,
First and foremost, Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. Second, I have some news that may be scary.
When we took you to get surgery, we did it so that you wouldn't get sick the same way your sissy did. Unfortunately, we found out that you have something called cancer. Cancer is a type of sick. It can make you sleepy. It can make you grumpy. It can make your head and your belly hurt. Cancer isn't fun.
But don't worry, my sweet sweet girl. We are going to take care of you. We are going to make sure you are going on walks and be loved on. Mommy is going to start making all of your food so you won't feel sick. We will take you to see your doctor lots and lots so you can get medicine.
Sometimes you are going to not like what happens... You might need to take new pills or get shots, but just know it is so you can get better. There is even a chance you might have to get surgery again, but it is because we love you and want to give you the best life possible.
Pretty baby, we got this. Mommy and daddy are going to do the hard part. We are going to work hard to get you your medicine and to make your food and treats... honey, all you have to do is keep on living.
It is okay to feel scared sometimes. But it is never okay to give up or to stop believing in us. Because we believe in you, baby girl. Mommy and Daddy believe in you. Cancer is nothing compared to that.
You got this, Saphira.
You got this.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Tue Dec 29, 2015 12:11 pm

A New Book of Shadows, A New Start



Dog treats are in the oven, clothes in the wash, fresh pot of coffee...
This day is starting out pretty okay.

I have a lot to do today, but I felt like I needed to make time to write in here for a moment.
Yesterday, an amazing thing happened.
My cat, who is an incredible jerk at times, decided that he would knock over my paint brush holder and find the two most expensive boars hair brushes that I own (also, the ones that I use the most) and eat the bristles off of them...Right after I was commissioned to do a large oil painting.
I needed those brushes.
Off to Michael's I go.

I was on a time limit, so my fiance and I knew that we were only running in for those two brushes and running back out. No time to dilly dally. As soon as I had those brushes in my hand and I turned on my heal to head back to the cashier, my fiance grabbed my hand and whispered, "wait."
He lead me around to the next isle where several large sketch pads resided- they were nice, sure, but I have a million of them at home. Anyways, my talents lay in painting over drawing... I can get a nice outline going but my pictures come to life with a paintbrush in my hands.
I raised my eyebrow at him and said, "what is it? we have to get out of here soon."
He ran to the end of the isle, grabbed a book, and deposited it into my hands... This book was beautiful. It was new, but looked worn. It had a clock on the cover and was thick with empty pages. I immediately loved it.
Cody smiled at me, "I found your new book of shadows, didn't I?"

Yes, honey. You did. You know me so very well.

So I wrote in my new book all night long. It was nice to spill all of my energy into it, all of my love... I was relearning things I haven't studied in a while. (Also, Seraphin's magical correspondences were an incredible help in recreating my book- if you haven't already looked at it, please do. The amount of time he has poured into it is astounding, and I am so grateful that he did!) Before I knew it, I had spent hours writing in my book when I was supposed to be working on my painting... Good thing I didn't ask for a deposit on it or give them a date on when it would be done.

Getting my new book reminded me that there is a new year coming up. Just like this book, this new year starts with a blank page. I have many obstacles to overcome... Saphira's cancer treatment, my school and credit card debt, my continuous battle with depression... But it is up to me to fill out those blank pages. How my story ends up this year all depends on how I write it... The same story can also read very differently depending on my tone, so I guess it just shows that I need to keep it positive.

Anyways, the oven is beeping and the treats are done.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby evil ed » Tue Dec 29, 2015 1:50 pm

Funny thing about depression.
I was feeling kinda down myself just a few minutes ago, then I found this entry of yours........ :D
Keep writing kid, and thank you!
E.E.
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Tue Dec 29, 2015 10:19 pm

Thank you so much! That means the world to me!
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby smogie_michele » Sun Jan 03, 2016 11:20 am

Just an update

I've knocked out a lot of writing in my book of shadows, but over the past few days I had to take a break. I was afraid that writing in it would become more of a chore than an escape if I kept going the way I was.

I know I am only three days deep into the new year, but I'm feeling kind of positive... which is incredible for me. In the time, I have bought three different witches' almanacs (one of them is a daily planner which is pretty amazing), I have come up with a strict savings plan so that I can move out of this house and into my own, I have started my wedding planning (Feb 2017, after five years of living together and three years of engagement, I will FINALLY marry the incredibly strange man that I love), AND I started school.
I actually took my first two test and made a 95% on both.

So, I am going to study my bottom off between working until Wednesday, then I will finally take a break from school and let myself dissolve into my book of shadows once more. We have quite a few big doctor's appointments for Saphira coming up, but I'm trying to look at them as learning oppertunities and as a step in right direction for her recovery.... although it is easier to look at is as a stressful event that is going to cost me well over a thousand dollars- ha.

This was just my little update... Nothing much to say :)
Happy new year!
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Re: Smogie's Ramblings

Postby evil ed » Mon Jan 04, 2016 12:30 pm

smogie_michele wrote:[b]This was just my little update... Nothing much to say :)
Happy new year!

"Nothing much to say"? Kid, that's a lot! Remember to take time for yourself- you need it, and will need it with all that you have on your plate. This year has a lot of potential for you, hang on tight! :D

Hang in there, and keep us posted!
E.E.
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