That means a lot because at 2:00pm today I found out that she has been dead since not long after she got out on Friday.
So, when it came time to try to blame myself, i wondered if it was because i did the spell wrong.
When I told my Atheist brother, he told me it was retarded to think that way, so that made me not beleive in Wicca.
But now I know that there's no way that I could've made somethink like that happen as a punishment, because i didn't even do that spell until after she supposedly.
Until i was being punished in the past for a future mistake.
Okay now im just rambling on, sounding high as fudge.
But anyways, if you have a spell you would like to recommend just remind me what it first felt like to purify myself.
Because that was when i felt most connected to the Godess.
Anyways, my day has been stressful, and i am embarrassed to say that i am really stoned while i type this because i couldnt handle to start crying again. Anything but that pain. As soon as i realized that i was high i was happier than before.
and i burried her myself
brother dug the hole
i remember saying something like im thakful for what we had in life and im sad that we couldn't experience more.
then i buried her
wasn't emotionally strong enough at two points, i would just stop and not be able to dig up the dirt to put on her towel covered body.
putting the dirt on her head was the hardest
that was what made it permanent.
made it really real.
because i could pretend that i was just being silly or something in the back of my head,
but then i would never do that on her head
and thats what snapped me out of it
and into despair at those 2 points.
right now im really sad about it
but because of the high,
im not sad enough to cry
which is great
because i feel like shit when i cry
i need to stop thinking about my beautiful dog.
imma post a couple of youtube links of her from when she was still alive.
i didn't play with her enough
she was frozen when they took her to us
at the hospital
and she was heavy
like a bunch of bricks
so my brother had to pick her up
and take her to the car myself
mom was getting jealous at how bryce knew how to make me feel better while mom kinda made it worse
she shouldnt be jealous
omg and the other night i was really depressed because mom cant accept that im wiccan and wont except me for who i am in any way because im able to not care what she practices, i encourage beleif because i know what its like to have no hope, whatever hope you have is always good.
when button was in the hole i heaved a couple of sad breathes and tears and reached down to kiss her one last time
and because of the angle i was at i didn't kiss her like normal
it was just like diagonal
and it felt wrong
and i will never get to kiss her right again
our other dog tried to dig her dead body up while we were sitting there crying
and i said that i could leave, when she did.
because animals are pure and i trust them all completely with my soul.
well i think im done thinking so hard
time to go to sleep
or something i guess
just sit over there and be doed
i also guess
oh yes of course the videos: