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Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Discussion of raising your family in the pagan tradition.

Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby Vendredi » Tue Jan 12, 2016 8:42 am

I agree with most of your post above, Mystic Phoenix. But I have an issue with this:
Mystic Phoenix wrote:My advice would be to sit down with him and truly communicate.


You can only truly, openly communicate with your spouse if they will give you the same courtesy (ie: respect, listening, keeping an open heart, honoring the commitments that you made to each other.)

This is coming from years of what began as teasing about who I am, and spiralled into abuse. I'm speaking from the experience of years of relearning and reestablishing healthy boundaries.

Communication cannot and will not happen when at least one partner isn't willing. Continuously trying, after a certain point, is only going to hurt the person trying, not the person who has already decided not to try.
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby Mystic Phoenix » Tue Jan 12, 2016 8:50 am

Vendredi wrote:I agree with most of your post above, Mystic Phoenix. But I have an issue with this:
Mystic Phoenix wrote:My advice would be to sit down with him and truly communicate.


You can only truly, openly communicate with your spouse if they will give you the same courtesy (ie: respect, listening, keeping an open heart, honoring the commitments that you made to each other.)

This is coming from years of what began as teasing about who I am, and spiralled into abuse. I'm speaking from the experience of years of relearning and reestablishing healthy boundaries.

Communication cannot and will not happen when at least one partner isn't willing. Continuously trying, after a certain point, is only going to hurt the person trying, not the person who has already decided not to try.

Vendredi, I agree with you. That is very true. If the other person is unwilling or just not open to acknowledgment and validation, then attempting to communicate will not work. In this case, I would reassess the situation, do what is best for me, and pursue my own happiness...and if it boils down to leaving the relationship, so be it.

In my experience, I have suffered way too much in childhood (abusive father) and in my adult relationships (mental and emotional abuse). I finally learned that this is not the norm and I am willing to do what it takes to find peace - I will fight for my peace of mind! So if it means to make difficult decisions in order to be in peace, I will do it!

In the end, your thoughts and decisions determine the outcome of your happiness when comes to relationships and other people. You can only control you, so do what makes you happy.
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby RosieMoonflower » Wed Jan 13, 2016 5:29 pm

Vendredi wrote:I agree with most of your post above, Mystic Phoenix. But I have an issue with this:
Mystic Phoenix wrote:My advice would be to sit down with him and truly communicate.


You can only truly, openly communicate with your spouse if they will give you the same courtesy (ie: respect, listening, keeping an open heart, honoring the commitments that you made to each other.)

This is coming from years of what began as teasing about who I am, and spiralled into abuse. I'm speaking from the experience of years of relearning and reestablishing healthy boundaries.

Communication cannot and will not happen when at least one partner isn't willing. Continuously trying, after a certain point, is only going to hurt the person trying, not the person who has already decided not to try.


I agree, IF the other person is not willing to try. But, we don't know that's the case here. A marriage commitment is a big deal. I think it's always best to try to work it out than to leave, but I understand sometimes that's the only option left. This issue here to me sounds like a communication break down and communication issues can be worked on, like you said, if both parties are willing to try, but I could be wrong.

Counseling is a great idea but can be costly. But, here is a couple of tactics that counselors use often, free of charge. The first communication tactic is called "I Statements". Never start a sentence off with "You" but rather with "I". If you start a conversation by saying "You, You, you!" It's only natural for that person to try and defend themselves, even if they are in the wrong. If you start the sentence with "I", it doesn't come off so accusatory and allows the person to look at the situation more objectively. For example: "you always make me feel like crap" could be said "I get my feelings hurt when you say things like that". Or, "you never listen to me" could be said "I feel like to are not listening to me and I would like to be heard." Or, "you don't understand" can be said "I feel misunderstood".


The second one is super easy, it's called the talking stick. It can be a stick, ruler, pen, whatever you have available. Sit down with the other person and explain to them the rules and why you want to try to use it to communicate and if they agree to follow the rules they are as follows: flip a coin to see who goes first. Then that person takes the talking stick and and has an 2 minutes (timed) to speak their mind. During this time the other person cannot talk at all. No interrupting or defending yourself, just listening. When the 2 minutes are over then the speaker hands the other the talking stick and now they get two minutes to talk without being interrupted. This goes back and forth as many times as needed and until both people feel they have been adequately heard by the other.

For these methods to be helpful both people need to know how to use them and agree to follow the rules. They also need to both have an interest in fixing the broken down communication and ultimately the relationship. If either party is not interested in fixing these things, then it will not work and that's when I would agree that it's time to move on.

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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby Wandering Warlock » Wed Jan 13, 2016 10:21 pm

This sounds like a rough situation. Personally, I couldn't imagine my life being unable to share my religion with my wife. While there are good things about differences, we go through life supporting and being supported by our spouses and sharing experiences. In my very personal opinion, there are plenty of other people to have such significant differences with. Honestly and realistically, were my wife to suddenly turn to Christianity, and act in the manner you have described your husband acting towards you, I would most certainly walk away. Someone who loves you doesn't treat you like that.

It is not unusual for people to turn wholeheartedly to an orthodox religion very suddenly. This often happens after a significant event from which (I dare to say) requires an escape. Religion is good at getting us through difficult times, if not essential, but sometimes it is used as a barrier or an excuse to avoid the true problems of life entirely. And when this happens, the religion itself becomes the focus instead of the more important aspect: life itself.

The religion becomes a vehicle for living in denial, particularly the orthodox religions. This happens because the fellowship appeals to all the aspects which we, as human beings, strive to attain. It gives us a sense of purpose, we find acceptance into a tribe of like-minded allies, and we receive psychological release from our responsibilities. Walking into a church filled with devotees is not unlike escaping into a fantasy world which is totally separate from your real life... not integrated into it. That's the beauty of paganism: it's part of everyday life, and cannot be separated. Life is revered, not devalued or debased as something that we must "endure" as if punishment in order to find peace and happiness.

I hope you find happiness through this difficult trial. The only real advise I can give is to listen to your own heart. Deep inside, you know what you want. The hard part is actualizing what you want, and admitting it to yourself in the face of what will be very difficult consequences (regardless of your choice).
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby Vendredi » Thu Jan 14, 2016 8:20 am

Wise words, Wandering Warlock.
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby Mystie.Graves » Mon Jan 25, 2016 11:49 pm

Sorry it took so long to get back on. I ended up helping my grandmother out, her second husband just passed away.
He was in the hospital for a while before passing away. She is much older and couldn't drive herself to the hospital (Which is 35+ minutes from where she lives)

Then to top it off I had a contractor working on replacing my roof for a few days. It freaked my cats out! lol!

~*~

Thank you all for the help. It gives me a lot to think over. I know I want to make it work. I also know he has some major stress on him for various things. I will cherish all the good moments, and hope we find a balance for our constant troubles.

Sometimes I think he is aware and others he seems to bee clueless to what he is doing.

I will keep communicating with him, making my feeling known, while also doing my best to not cross the lines he has.

Obviously, this will take time to work out, heal, and move on. I hope that the time will be spent toward a good life together, instead of a new life apart; but only time will show which way it will go.

Thank you all again for all the helpful points-of-view. If things change I will let you know how it goes.

Sorry for the late reply, life piled up on me. =)
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby Vendredi » Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:17 am

Hi Mystie! Thanks for the update; I'd been thinking about you.

I'm sure your help meant so very much to your grandmother.

Sorry for the late reply, life piled up on me. =)


Doesn't matter what you're dealing with, life'll just keep flinging more at ya. :roll:
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Re: Mystie - My Husband Is Christain - I'm Not

Postby Myrth » Sat Jan 30, 2016 3:03 pm

Best wishes for you Mystie. I hope it works out for you!
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