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Am I a horrible person?

Share thoughts, poetry, feelings about the loss of a loved one (pets included).

Am I a horrible person?

Postby YanaKhan » Sun May 11, 2014 3:19 pm

My grandmother passed away today. She was 86 and very sick for the last 5 years. She broke her leg then and even after her leg was fine, she didn't want to start walking again. She relied on my mother for everything - from shower to cooking, changing diapers and cleaning the house. She lived in a village 10 miles away from my mom and it made my mom's life a misery. My mother hired a woman to take care of her and my grandma made her leave. And was always complaining about everything. And I still, to this day believe it was her fault because she just didn't feel like trying.
I don't really know how I feel about her, she always loved my brother more and this is something she freely admitted.

As a child, I used to spend the whole summer there and felt like my parents were punishing me for something. I never hated her, but then again, was never too fond of her like a little girl is supposed to be to her grandma.
And now, I feel bad because I don't feel bad she died if that makes any sense. All I feel is relief. As my mother won't be taking care of her anymore. I don't know how I will be feeling tomorrow at the funeral.
Does that make me a horrible person? That I don't really feel bad? That I feel relieved?
I am sorry to bother you all, it's just ... I have never thought I could be as heartless.
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No battle is over until I win!
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Vesca » Sun May 11, 2014 4:38 pm

It doesn't make you a horrible person, and there is no "wrong" way to feel when someone passes.

In my opinion, there are too many "supposed to's" in the world to begin with and not enough realism. The reality of the situation is that for most people, feelings of love, respect and trust are earned-- not automatic. If she never filled that role for you, then there's no reason why you should feel she had.

Funerals are a strange thing though. You often get a glimpse into the way they were in youth and it can sometimes help to create that sympathy and understanding where there previously wasn't any. Her life consisted of more than those 5 years. :)
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Xiao Rong » Sun May 11, 2014 6:31 pm

Hey YanaKhan ... my condolences on your grandmother's passing, even if you were not very close to her ... As Vesca said, it's okay to let yourself feel what you feel, even if it's not what people think you should feel. There's no right way to grieve -- plus, family is always really complicated, and our feelings towards them are often muddled. Especially since, as you said, she caused your family a lot of hardship and complications; it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you'd feel relieved at her passing (I'm sure your mom must feel similarly, on some level). In any case, don't judge yourself too hard for how you feel during this time. I know you're a kind and caring person, YanaKhan; just be sure to be kind to yourself too!
~ Xiao Rong ~ 小蓉 ~ Little Lotus ~
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Seraphin_npocampo » Sun May 11, 2014 7:11 pm

I think you're just thinking and feeling that now you and your Mom can breathe much easier because the death of your grandma means the end of her physcial suffering, and also the end of the huge stress and sacrifice your Mom experienced as her caregiver. Grief and mourning may surface at some later time when the demanding feeling of relief have gone...

Death does bring forth new life. "New life" to your Mom and perhaps to you also.

Condolences to you and to your family YanaKhan.
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby firebirdflys » Mon May 12, 2014 1:35 am

Honey...don't beat yourself up, this feeling is pretty normal esp in a situation like yours. My Uncle died and I too will be attending a funeral tomorrow. He had been ill for awhile, and there is similar air of relief about, but like Xiao said grief has no set way.
I am sorry you didn't have the grandmother/granddaughter relationship. be at peace in your heart. You are a good person,
blessings, bb, FF
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby YanaKhan » Wed May 14, 2014 1:04 am

Thank you, everyone for your support!
I feel a lot better now. Actually, my mother said that what I feel is absolutely normal and apart from the grief, she feels the same way as my grandmother wasn't really herself the last five years and now it's over. At the funeral I was able to recall all the good things she has done in her life and even though she wasn't the greatest grandmother in the world, she taught me many things.
She never moved on from my grandfather's death and I really hope they are together now as they did love each other very much - they were together for 50 years before he passed away and now they rest next to each other.
Again, your support means the world to me! Thank you!
When everybody is thinking the same, nobody is thinking enough!
No battle is over until I win!
"Imagination creates reality". Richard Wagner
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Mythic » Thu May 22, 2014 6:12 pm

May they rest in peace and happiness

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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby SapphireRoad » Mon Jan 13, 2020 8:38 am

I think it's the chain of love. You love your mother more than grandmother that you would have loved more than the great grandmother. We just love those that are closer to us more.
There's a "Mothers in time" meditation in the book Grimoire for the Greenwitch. I think it is more tailored for women to do so I can just envy you that you can try it out.
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