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grown children

Discussion of raising your family in the pagan tradition.

grown children

Postby <~The-Pagan-Pixie~> » Sat Mar 27, 2010 7:44 pm

Hello,
and I need help fast! I am a 48 yr old mother, I have a son who has a family-he's 30, a daughter with a complete family, a 20 yr old who just got married anda 21 yr old who is heading to a shelter in Wisconsin-folllowed the love of his life. They ALL have either came back home more than once-kids wife and all. Now my daughter-who just had a new baby and wants to leave her boyfriend from NC to De-again. Home again- JUST LONG ENOUGH TO DRIVE ME INSANE AND DRIVE HER BOYFRIEND CRAZY TOO-Everytime they come home they are lazy,don't help out with bills,parties constantly and treats me like garbage. MY MOTHER puts guilt trips ON ME from over there to me here-I argue that how are they ever going to get it together if we keep bailing htem out. I'm on nerve meds now and seeing a therapist because of <<MY>>-from neglect to sexual abuse when I was a child. Do I need to feel guilt over this? Does it mean everytime they slip- I should be there and pick them up??? I know they can make it! I taught them everything they need to know to survive. I am barely making it myself-Is there a toughen up spell for grown kids?
I don't want to end up in the loonybin or Dr.PHil.
Please help!
Pixie
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Postby WitchyLady506 » Sat Mar 27, 2010 8:31 pm

As a mother you should help out your children, but at the same time what they are doing is just wrong. They are taking advantage of you. You need to tell them straight forward, "no". And then tell them why; as in they don't help out, are disrespectful to you and your home and you're not going to stand for it, because they are setting a bad example for their children, which are you're grandchildren and you're not having it. As for your mother, tell her that while you respect what she has to say, she doesn't know the situation because she hasn't experienced it. Tell her that if she feels that they need to be taken in and sheltered, then she can do it.
They say only Silver Bullets kill the beast inside.....
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Postby extremejoy9 » Mon Aug 16, 2010 9:34 pm

It's a little early for me to be trying to share any advice on this...(my kids are 18, 13, 4 & 3)

One thng I've noticed is that if I pause when my oldest comes to me with a problem, it gives her time to try to come up with her own answers. I've also started saying "what are you going to do?" instead of volunteering to fix things.

She's gotten quite independent, btw!

best of luck to you,
let us know how it works out!
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Postby JBRaven » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:26 pm

If it is a truely hard time, like the home the live in burns down, I would let them come. I would allow for the grand babies come but not the parent. This would also be under the resritction that they either paid child support or give up rights. I really have no feelings for people who can not manage their own lives. You are not in the wrong for not wanting them there. You can not enable horrid choice making skills.
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Postby Traumwandlerin » Tue Aug 17, 2010 1:16 am

So you're boundaries are weak? Still suffering from trauma? Can't turn your daughter down? hmmm

Maybe you can write down what happens normally when she comes over but what you don't like (don't help, party all the time, need you for listening but listening back). Strengthen you boundary, ground youself and imagine how you could react differently to her behaviour. It's ok for you to have your boundaries and to fight for them, even if it's against your daughter. It would be even ok to tell your daughter, that she can't come over this time, cause you are under high stress at the moment.

But you should think of one thing. If you suffer from trauma (like sexual abuse in cildhood) your kids surely will suffer from secondary trauma, so they to will have low boundaries, low self esteem and don't know how to fight for their rights. They need help too.

JBRaven, it's not a nice thing to say such a thing about people who can't manage their own life. Since some people just suffer from childhood trauma and have to work on it to be able to live freely and manage their life. It's their heritage, their bagage, they didn't do anything wrong, so misjudge them is somehow mean. Of course there are others but in this case it's probably a secondary trauma.
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Postby JBRaven » Tue Aug 17, 2010 7:32 am

If I am not nice because of my opinions then I am ok with that. I think that no matter what has happened to you in the past, you cannot push that on your parents. (Unless that parent did the abuse) I have almost no empathy, either toughen up or get eaten. How can you help your children grow into a functioning member of society if you want to save them from mistakes and hardships?
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Postby Ravencry » Tue Aug 17, 2010 1:17 pm

You need to stand your ground. Tell them 'no', 'clean your s***' and 'if you don't get a job, your going to have to find a new place'. If your cleaning up after them, stop. If they're too damn lazy to pick it up, throw it in their room. Let their room be the mess. Make a chore list and if they don't do it (their adults living under your roof, they should be able to help around the house) tell them they need to gtfo. Everyone who has replied before me is right, they are taking adavntage of you. Your not a servant. I understand that you want to see them succeed and do well, but first, they need to want that for themselves. Kicking them out for the night to find their own place may straighten them up a little. Tell them that their children can stay, but they have to leave or find somewhere.

(When my ex's mother told me this, I straighten my ass real quick)

You have to be firm. You have to dole out the harshness. If they don't do something you ask, like children, you will have to punish them and withhold this punishment. If they sit around and watch tv, unplug the cable and take the cords!! Tell them to do what you need them to do, or they won't get the tv. If they complain that your treating them like kids, counter them with a good old 'your acting like a child, Im going to treat you like one'

My grandmother played this game with me, and she always won. I got fed up with being treated like I was 6, so I did what I was told and she started treating me like an adult. Its always frustrating for the other party. It will be frustrating for you, but don't be their doormat.
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