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Black Hawk (revised)

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Black Hawk (revised)

Postby SilverBird » Sat Jul 08, 2017 2:02 am

So I posted this bit ago, but deleted it cause I didn't like it, the story seemed kind of stupid to me and then I realized I wanted to go in a completely different direction. Again this is made to be short, this is just a draft, it's more dialogue than detail, oh and it incorporates a lot of fiction. I use the element of a coven, with stuff from fantasy, it's just a story
everyone :) Let me know what you think

It was a dark night and Lisa went out to her meeting place, a small house, the Covenstead. The Atlantis Coven met here.

They came up with the name Atlantis, because Atlantis was the lost city in the ocean of the world. Similarly this coven

was a hidden coven in a small town of Christen, Mississippi, a town full of very fundamentalist religious folk

The High Priestess, Selen greeted Lisa that night. Lisa’s eyes peered to the mount on the wall, with a black hawk etched

in it, I’ve always wondered about that Lisa said to Selen.

Ah, that was BlackHawk, he saved this coven in the dark times.

Selen put her head down, her black robe covering her body, it hasn’t always been easy she sighed. She went on, a long

time ago, well I don’t know the details

Great Oak interrupted

A long time ago, there were a few covens here, but they started disappearing .Some witches ended up in the hospital,

some ended up dead, and others…. Well others ended up fleeing the state

Why, Lisa asked. What happened?

We don’t speak of it, somethings are better to just be left alone

Anyway, Lisa why don’t you go to the library, there are many of Blackhawks work, Selen added

Lisa walked into the brightly lit library of the house, as she pulled out a typed document in a folder, with the title on it,

BlackHawk’s Method of focusing

Ah, said a voice coming from the other side. It was Old Dragon

There’s a story behind this. BlackHawk believed with Magick all things were possible, he wanted to make it easier for

people to master various magickal arts and psychic abilities.

His plan, was to get the witch to focus on themselves, their own energy, and shift it into their focus.

The result was, what once took months to master, whether it be divination, levitation, could be mastered in a matter of


Control the shift of your energy, and you control the world, that’s what BlackHawk once said

Old Dragon, put his head down, unfortunately, someone took it too far

Who, Lisa Asked

Old Dragon, Fae came in as she hollered

My apologies, Old Dragon said as he slowly left the room

Lisa didn’t push it further, when she knew there was something she wasn’t be told, after all she was new to the coven,

she knew it wasn’t her place.

She looked at Fae, he must have been truly gifted

Actually he wasn’t, well not at first, Fae smiled.

He was born from a Christian family, with no lineage of witches, no abilities passed down to him at all. He believed all

psychic abilities could be learn, he didn’t even become a witch until he was sixteen.

While we were playing videogames, he was studying

He sounded truly dedicated, Lisa said.

Oh he was, Fae smiled, he was more dedicated than anyone I have ever met.

He brought so much information, in all these books. He believed witchcraft was an art and a science, and everyone

should bring something to the table for others to learn

You will find this very document in Occult books, online, anywhere, it was published, and many have mastered this

method upon reading it

There are many books written by Black Hawk, Old Dragon smiled as he walked back in the room go

ahead and give them a read.

Later that night after the ritual they all met, and Lisa asked, whatever happened to Black Hawk?

The High Priest, Deer put his head down, nobody knows he sighed

Some say he died, others disappeared

Something terrible happened, Selen added

Lisa went home that night thinking about this, but she knew she had to be discreet, her father and mother were very


Later that week, Lisa tried the energy shift she read about raising her vibrations as she stared into the bowl of water,

but to no avail

Her father Tom walked in seeing her altar.

Lisa immediately jumped, fearing repercussions

But her father smiled, and then said.

Blackhawks method I see

She looked puzzled unsure what to say

But you’re doing it all wrong, her father answered.

Look you’re trying to hard

Just sit back, breathe, relax and focus

Lisa looked in trying again and with her father’s hand on her shoulder she stared into the bowl

But she saw a vision in the bowl, darkness, and then a man in black robes laughing, the feeling of terror overtook her

She jumped

What did you see, her father Tom asked

Oh, just a breeze in the wind, it startled me

Alright, Tom answered, knowing she was not being completely honest

Lisa, spoke up, you’re not upset

Oh please, you mean that Christian face I put on for you and your mother

Lisa let out a sigh of relief, yet confusion, all this time her dad was a Pagan

I was in your coven, Atlantis right

How’d you know?, Lisa asked

It’s the only coven left in the county,

So I keep hearing, Lisa answered, looking at her father, but why

Tom put his head down, things happen

He then smiled, but you know what you will do just fine, ye

Anyway he said, watch this

Tom closed his eyes, moved his hand over, in a few minutes the feather on her altar lifted up into the air

Woah, Lisa shouted

Sorry I like to show off, anyway you’ll master it too someday. Oh, and don’t tell your mother about this, she would not

be as open to this

Lisa looked at her father, why did you leave the coven

Tom sighed, he looked up, things change, situations change, that’s all you need to know

Lisa thought about these words, one night she came in early to the covenstead, the high Priestess Selen was with the

High Priest Corn

She heard the voice, Great Oak was speaking

Things are getting bad again I can sense it, and something is wrong

Selen spoke up, bad again? She asked, how come I am the only one who doesn’t know about again here

Because we can’t speak of it, Greak Oak answered, to give it power, gives it return

All we can focus on is the present and what to do now

Old Dragon spoke up, I say we leave, we run

Run? Chimyl spoke up? Didn’t Black Hawk teach us to take a stand

Again, I’m the only one here who doesn’t know a thing about what happened, like usual, it’s ok I’m only the High

Priestess, Selen sighed under her breathe

Great Oak interrupted, Old Dragon is right, Black Hawk is not here anymore, and he’s not coming back, we don’t have

the power

They turned around to see Lisa

Oh Lisa, Corn smiled your early, don’t mind this, we were just talking

Oh it’s ok, I just came in Lisa said

Lisa didn’t ask, she just tried to calmly do the ritual for that night, but she knew something was very wrong

Later on a dark evening Selen was at her house, where the coven meets, she lit a candle in the altar in the middle

room, just then a door burst open

It was a spirit, the spirit of a young woman, with blood running down her eyes

Selen, find Black Hawk, find him before it’s too late

Selen asked, what, who are you

Hurry, he’s coming, the girl screamed, hurry please, you must find Black Hawk

Selen watched in horror as the girl was pulled back into the wind through the door, and the door shut loudly

One night, Lisa tried contacting the Coven members, she arrived at the covenstead, but no one was there for the ritual

Just then, a figure in the back came close to her, ah Lisa, the daughter of Black Hawk, the man lifted up his robe, I’ve

been dying to meet you…. And quite literally these days, he clapped his hands

The daughter of who, she exclaimed, not quite getting it, but before she could fight back he grabbed her hand and

dragged her, as she tried to get away, a black bag was put over her head

Lisa awoke in a misty room, as the bag was removed, she saw all her other coven members

I told you we should run away, Old Dragon said to to Chimyl

Oh Lisa, Corn, looked at her, as he was tied to the wall with the rest of them, everyone was tied with rope to the wall

except for Selen,

Welcome to our glorious prison

Where’s Selen, she asked

I don’t know, Corn replied, hopefully finding a way to get us out of this little mess

Lisa put her head down, I’m so scared,

I know, Corn continued. I think it’s time we tell you the truth about what happened years ago, and Lisa I am so sorry for

getting you into this

Selen ran to Tom, Lisa’s father, who she knew was Black Hawk.

Black Hawk, stop, we need to talk she shouted

Don’t call my name in the open, he said, you don’t know who’s listening

Selen paused, who’s listening? Look Lisa’s missing, the entire coven is, and my spirit guide warned me not to go to my

house, now I am the High Priestess, tell me what is going on

Black Hawk put his head down. A long time ago, we had a young member named, Rine. He was very powerful, very

advanced, but he was born into it, as a young kid he was called upon by the Goddess

But um…. He turned very sour. He started doing things Atlantis frowned upon, sacrificing animals, and we even had

suspicion he was sacrificing people with all the witches gone missing

Missing, Selen shouted?

Well, anyway Blackhawk continued, we expelled him from the Coven. He vowed his revenge

Well all of a sudden, covens started fleeing the county like rabbits. Some witches were hospitalized, some died, and

some ran away

The story goes Rine found a way to achieve what he called absolute power, but absolute power corrupts absolutely

We believe he was sacrificing magickal people, and extracting their power, to achieve something, we don’t know what


So Atlantis decided to take a stand, we confronted him, to a corner, and binded him right there

But I knew Rine would return someday, so I had to go into hiding, until when he came back

After that old Rine disappeared, and never returned, until recently

So the binding failed, Selen sighed

Most Miserably, Black Hawk continued. I didn’t notice it until recently, and then Lisa’s vision, she lied to me but I knew

she saw him

He’s after her, Selen asked?

No BlackHawk, said, if he was after her she would be dead already. And I don’t sense her spirit in the spirit realm

He sighed, he’s after me, the ultimate power right, he wants to be so powerful, and what better way than to take down

me, who witches have confused as being legendary and amazing

But you are amazing, Selen added

I’m just like you, Black Hawk answered. But a title is power, and Rine knows that

Black Hawk sighed, as he pulled out a pistol

Selen looked at him her eyes widening, you’re going to kill him?

If he leaves me no choice, then yes, Black Hawk answered.

I’m going with you, Selen exclaimed as she grabbed his hand

No! You are going to stay safe, I have enough people to protect

But- Selen answered

No, High Priestess, for Goddess sake, stay here

Later, Black Hawk goes to the Dark Labrynith, where Rine was with the tied up coven members

Oh is it you, a voice shouted, as Rine ran out to the center to see Black Hawk. Oh it’s been so long, do you like what I’ve


Black Hawk, glared at Rine, putting his hand into his pocket, I am going to give you one and only one chance, let my

daughter, and everyone in this coven go

Oh, really Black Hawk, Rine laughed, You think I can’t see that weapon in your pocket, why don’t you put it away, you

know what I’m capable of don’t you?

Tell me this, how is it you, a miserable wretch with no lineage whatsoever acquired all this power, and oh, did nothing

with it, except, helping others, and oh yuck to even think about such a waste

But I got a deal for you Hawkie, I’m not after you, I’ll let everyone here go. And you get a nice little fortune out of it

Black Hawk just stared at him, what?

Oh, the days of stealing power are over, I am after real power, the power of the dollar.

And you’re going to help me do it

You see, right now, there is the largest exchange going on in the state, just two hours away, millions and millions of

dollars are being transferred all in one place

And through our energies, it can all be ours, we do some energy working, go in rob the exchange, security system

mysteriously stops working, guards mysteriously die

Isn’t it perfect? He exclaimed

You’re mad, Black Hawk answered

Oh please, Hawkie, money is where the real power is, and lots of it. All these bad feelings you got, were just my way of

getting your attention

Well don’t I just feel special, Black Hawk muttered under his breathe

Then Black Hawk realized something peculiar, there were a lot of negative spirits in this room

What are they all doing here?

Oh, don’t you know Black Hawk, they help me, they are my coven

And you don’t think they’ll turn on you, when they’ve gotten what they wanted. Tell me, when you’ve acquired all this

money, what are you going to do, give Chronozon a five dollar bill?

You stupid little fool, Black Hawk. You just don’t get it, these are my servants! Rine shouted, I am their master

Just then the roof shook, oh Rine, you should know by know, the bad witch in the movies, always gets burned

We are your what? A spirit shouted at Rine

Another exclaimed, I think we should dispose of this mortal

Rine, realizing he had been beat, screamed as the spirits all destroyed him

His body was wiped away, vanished into air

Black Hawk untied the coven members, untying Lisa

It’s finally over, he’s gone now Old Dragon exclaimed

He was more so a victim, Black Hawk put his head down. He couldn’t see the beauty in life, or magick, he clung so much

to power, that in the end, well it cost him his life

After that an era of peace returned to the city

Black Hawk could finally return to the coven now that he no longer had to hide

He returned to the coven writing new methods of various meditations, but a few years later he passed away

He served his purpose in this life, at his funeral, witches from all over the world came to visit the legendary black hawk

one last time. They celebrated his passage into the next life

Lisa wept, but Selen told her that this is a time to celebrate his next journey into the beyond
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Re: Black Hawk (revised)

Postby SilverBird » Thu Jul 13, 2017 9:46 pm

So feel free to comment what you all think. I'm thinking of revising it again to show a kinder Rine. One where he's more being controlled by his ancestral spirits, and not as evil as this version makes him out to be

But if you comment I'll give you a cookie
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Re: Black Hawk (revised)

Postby SnowCat » Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:17 am

It's a good story. I think making Rine kinder and gentler would lessen the overall impact, because it would blur the demarcation between good and evil. I really the setting of Mississippi. Stories like this don't often take place in the deep south.

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Re: Black Hawk (revised)

Postby planewalker » Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:57 am

Love it. You might want to add to your discriptives. "Yellowed type written sheets", "flaring candles", that kind of thing. Guide your reader. Play with their moods as they go through the story. I wonder if you want to show your hand so early. As soon as her Dad didn't freak and helped out, it screamed "He's Blackhawk!" Just depends on how soon you want it to be apparent. The only thing you might have to watch out for, you could find yourself so into the story you could go from short story to novella. I'll be avidly waiting for either. Great Read.
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